Miscarriage
Getting vulnerable today. You ready? I honestly don't even know who will see this, so maybe that's why I'm willing to get more vulnerable too..
During all this craziness in the world, I found out I was pregnant! It felt like pretty good timing because it was easy to hide it since we couldn't see anyone. I didn't have a whole lot of energy and felt super nauseous so it was nice to just be home. Although I COMPLETELY missed socializing. Don't get me wrong.
Anyway, once grocery stores started emptying and there was talk of the national guard forcing us in our homes, I became worried. How in the heck was I supposed to bring another baby into this world when we may not have enough food? I suddenly didn't want to be a mom. If I starve and die, oh well. But I couldn't stand for my children to not have enough. Quite dramatic, but I was very worried. Luckily things calmed down and we were so blessed to always find what we needed. We were also lucky to already be stocked up on TP, diapers and wipes- thank you Sam's Club.
All this stress got to me, plus the nausea and not able to eat, that I ended up miscarrying. With a miscarriage, you can never really know why, but it would make sense if it was from stress. We found out the baby didn't have a heart beat when I went in for an ultrasound at 9 weeks. It was completely out of the blue. I had no miscarriage symptoms leading up to that point. I was obviously in shock and denial.
When I left that appointment we decided I'd come back in a week to see if my dates were off and maybe the baby wasn't as far as long as I thought. That week i prayed for a miracle or that my body would be able to pass it on it's own. I didn't really want to take the pill to induce a miscarriage because I heard women often end up in the hospital for bleeding too much. That week was a lot of emotions. I spent way too much time looking for stories online of hope. I had to hold onto this baby.
A week later and nothing happened. I was devastated that my prayers weren't answered the way I was hoping. So I took the pill and still nothing happened. My angel mother came over 2 very early mornings to help so I could take it easy. I was frustrated and nervous that my body wasn't doing what it was supposed to. I was also very worried about getting an infection. Most of all I did not want to end up in the hospital. That would mean a 2 week strict quarantine after and away from Luke. I had a lot of fear and sadness.
I finally decided to just schedule a D&C. But I had to be referred to a different doctor. It was a major headache getting a consult with him, and so far it was looking like I'd have to wait 2 more weeks before the procedure. I was very concerned about an infection at this point. Why did they not care?? I was frustrated that I seemed to be the only one advocating for myself.
Well after many miracles we were able to get bumped up and had the procedure.
It all went well and I had a quick recovery.
It was awesome wearing a mask all day..
I was very happy to see Luke again that night. I probably jumped in to real life a little too soon..
It was a very long month of the unknown with a lot of emotions. Unfortunately it didn't even end there. After the procedure, I felt alone. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it, I just needed people. I missed being around people and socializing. I guess I grief by consuming myself with being around others. Because of the corona virus i had to be alone and just deal with it.
One last ironic story. I really haven't had any social gatherings (I am trying to be good even though I think this whole quarantine is stupid). My first real outing was a trip to Bahama Bucks with the girl I minister to and my companion. Well turns out her husband gets corona virus the next day. Just my luck right? But thankfully we didn't get it. Thanks to washing my hands when I got home.
